Love Lifted Me

As you can probably tell from my blog posts, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. I'm up, I'm down but mostly down. Things are headed uphill and I think things will be a bit smoother. (famous last words?? I hope not) I had such a great day today & I still continue to feel blessed and so happy with where my life is headed.
This morning started off beautifully. I woke up around 9 and yay it's Saturday. No reports to file, no copies to make. We went to the store to get stuff to make salad for SALAD BOWL I with a few ladies from church. So I get home, make it and head out the door and get to my GDO (girls day out.) We had such a great time fellowshipping, talking and sharing our lives and experiences. We had intended to play a game, but we had such a good time talking 3 hours later we realized it was time to go. :) It was so refreshing to talk with other women near my age.
Another beautiful thing that didn't directly involve me happened too. Hubby and daughter went to the bowling alley. She hasn't been since she was little bitty. We found her a cheetah print bowling ball @ a thrift store the other day and she was ready to use it. Hubby said that they got to use bumpers (lucky) and he said she would just squeal with delight when she knocked down pins. I asked her afterwards who won and she said "Both of us won, me and daddy."
After I got home...NAP TIME!! Oh it was lovely! Onlly downside...it's 2am and I am blogging. :) Weekends throw me off. Oh well, such a great day it was so worth it. We woke up and went to the store to get a few things including....Biggest Loser for the Wii. We get it home and start it up and GUESS WHAT....you dont have to use the wii board to do it! OMG...I LOVE LOVE LOVE it...and you know what folks...I worked out for 24 minutes plus warm up and cool down!! I am so proud of myself! The trainers on the game talk you through your workout and encourage and push you just like on the show. They dont let you quit. I never gave up. It felt so good.
In the cool down I was having to hold my heel and stretch my leg muscles. I cannot hold my leg...can't even reach it. My knight in shining armor came to me and helped me balance. I told him that I couldnt do it and he looked me in the eyes and told me that I was doing the very best that I could and that he was proud of me. *sigh* Yes ladies...I have Mr. Perfect.
So in all areas of my life...LOVE LIFTED ME. The love of my sisters in Christ lifted my mood and my spirits. The love of my husband lifted my heart and self-esteem. The love of myself is improving because I feel like I CAN do this with this new workout. When nothing else could help love lifted me.
Then I took a hot shower and now I am sharing my thoughts with you.

I just had an "I'm blessed" moment. I see some of my same age peers and even some that are older and younger talk about their 'exciting' lives. Traveling around the world, partying, pursuing impossible dreams in various big cities and still searching for their place in the sun. Then I look at my life: I am 25, I am married to the most AMAZING man on the earth, I have a Christ-centered marriage, we dont go to bed angry and always work any conflict out before we go to sleep. I have a a beautuful daughter who looks like a model, she is very intelligent and I am not just saying that. My husband and I both have degrees, we both have full time jobs and for the first time in our marriage, we all have health insurance. I dont NEED to travel the world or study abroad, I dont NEED to pursue an unrealistic dreams, I dont NEED to party every night. I dont NEED that kind of shallow temporary life satisfaction. I have a family. I have a GOOD family. We may have our struggles, but we are STRONG. We have been through some hard times. We have been broke, in the hole 500 or $600 for months on end. We have had electricity, water and even car insurance cut off. Ryan & I once bathed with a warmed up melted bag of ice because that was ALL the water we had when it got shut off. We've gone to food banks more than once and overcame the shame. We have been through it. And we are climbing up the mountain now. I am so happy with where we are in our lives. THings are finally starting to come together. My PMDD is not getting in the way of this job. I have worked here 2 months and not called in sick YET. That is huge for me. A big phrase in New Orleans is rebirth. Moving down here has been that for us...a Rebirth. We have found our place, our home.

Lard Donkey (to put it lightly...pun intended)

Yes my friends...that is what I feel like today. A big giant LARD ASSE (I added the E so as not to offend and refer to myself as a donkey, yes rationalization I know...lets not judge). I feel like crap. I am too freaking heavy to work out on the wii board and I just shut down. I get so depressed and down that I just give up. Thats what I did tonight. The only thing I can do on this game is jog...some of you thinner folks may say...Jogging...piece of cake. (ofcourse the fat girl references cake) But to someone my size...and my build (thunder thighs) my legs rub together and start to chafe and eventually skin breaks. It is not pleasant. So I have all this negative self talk going on right now. I am pissed at myself and am just disgusted...but what do I do? I sit down and watch them and sulk. I have no motivation today. I did until I got jealous that Ryan and Keelyn could enjoy all the games and I couldn't.

In my mind I want this so bad. I want to shop at all the places you guys shop, I want to be normal. I want to be healthy...for my daughter and any other children we might add to our family.

What is it going to take? Diabetes? heart attack, a stroke?? I am 25...there is no need for ANY of that to be a risk. I should be in the prime of my life. I just dont know if I can do this. We want to adopt soon, and I badly want to make a good impression on any birth mothers that we may meet. No pregnant teen or mother is going to want to give their child to such a large woman.

First of all Happy MLK day to all of you checking this out. I am thankful for Dr. King's contributions to society to allow all kinds of people to gain equality and conduct themselves freely as the rest.

Now on to my journey...

Today, I did ok on some things and not ok on other things.

We went to Lafreniere Park in Metairie, Louisiana. It is this BEAUTIFUL park with a pond and all kinds of areas. We went walking there today to look @ the birds. That place is huge. We walked for 2 hours...which was awesome. We were tired when we were done, but it was very rewarding. They had a marsh area with Egrets, geese, swans, roosters and a local pest called a Nutria. (looks like a cross between a beaver and a rat) Keelyn had a great time, and so did we.

However, afterwards, we went to Taco Bell. Enough said. It's not like I gorged myself, I don't really do that. It is just choices I make. So I need to work on my choices. Everyday when we drop off Keelyn, I give her a kiss, tell her to have a good day and remember to make good choices. Now this is so that she will remember to be a good girl throughout the day, but I think that it is something that I need to ingrain in myself and my daily life.

I am participating in a "Biggest Loser" type contest @ work. We all have to put in $50 each and whoever loses the most weight gets the money at the end. I want it...but I don't think I want it bad enough yet. Tomorrow is weigh in...not looking forward to that. We'll see.

My depression has really affected me this weekend, that's mostly because I forgot my meds on Friday, and it takes a few days to catch back up. So, I am ready for this week. I need to step up my game. I can't let my weight or sadness get in my way...I can't let them cause me to stumble...I need to lighten up physically as well as emotionally!

Exodus 15:2The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father's God, and I will exalt him.

Lighten my Path

NOTE:THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PUBLISHED IN Jan 2010Hello Blogging world...Here's my intro....I'm diving in...

So I am starting this blog to document...wow thats a boring word....my journey towards a healthier me. Truth time....I, according to health standards, am morbidly obese. I am 25 years old and I weigh 348 lbs., ridiculous huh? I think so!

Truth behind the Title:

Lighten my path....This is a take on the scripture Psalm 119:105 Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. Ofcourse I am taking a little poetic license here to suit my needs. God has always been there for me when I am at my lowest point. Now...I am not in a healthy body. I am giving my journey to God and only HE can guide me. I need his strength....I need HIM to light my way and as a result LIGHTEN MY PATH.

Why Blog? Why now?
Not to brag...but I consider myself a good writer. I can express myself very well through written word and find that I can pull out the most honesty and truth with my words. As you read in the first paragraph....I told my weight. If I were to see you face to face...I could NOT tell you with speech what I weigh. Written word is non-judgemental. It doesn't argue or belittle. Written word allows you to lose your inibitions and really set your spirit free. God's word is awe-inspiring...and he chose to express himself in written word.

What you can do?
Wow...an interactive blog! I need encouragement. I have a problem with negative self-talk and it usually rules my life. Don't patronize me...that wont help. Dont make fun of me...that would probably make me quit all together.

Will you take this path with me??