Yes my friends...that is what I feel like today. A big giant LARD ASSE (I added the E so as not to offend and refer to myself as a donkey, yes rationalization I know...lets not judge). I feel like crap. I am too freaking heavy to work out on the wii board and I just shut down. I get so depressed and down that I just give up. Thats what I did tonight. The only thing I can do on this game is jog...some of you thinner folks may say...Jogging...piece of cake. (ofcourse the fat girl references cake) But to someone my size...and my build (thunder thighs) my legs rub together and start to chafe and eventually skin breaks. It is not pleasant. So I have all this negative self talk going on right now. I am pissed at myself and am just disgusted...but what do I do? I sit down and watch them and sulk. I have no motivation today. I did until I got jealous that Ryan and Keelyn could enjoy all the games and I couldn't.
In my mind I want this so bad. I want to shop at all the places you guys shop, I want to be normal. I want to be healthy...for my daughter and any other children we might add to our family.
What is it going to take? Diabetes? heart attack, a stroke?? I am 25...there is no need for ANY of that to be a risk. I should be in the prime of my life. I just dont know if I can do this. We want to adopt soon, and I badly want to make a good impression on any birth mothers that we may meet. No pregnant teen or mother is going to want to give their child to such a large woman.
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You are heading in the right direction! Dont give up! Dont take the other road that will put you in worse shape. You can do this. Just Do It!! Any movement is a start!! Hang in there!! Love you and proud of you!
ReplyDeleteIt's depressing and not fulfilling at first, Amanda. Just hang in there and know that everyday you do something (anything) is putting you one step closer to your goal. Do you have Wii Fit? Because you can do the things, you just won't get "their" credit for them. But YOU will know you did the activity. You're a good mama and Keelyn and Ryan are blessed to have you. Don't be so hard on yourself! Keep it up!! I'm so proud of you!!!!
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